Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Where Have I Been?

Jilly Gossett, Janet Fraser, Don Hofer, Amy Elder, Dave Elder,
Me and Jill Hofer

That's a good question. The past two months have sailed by. Part of the time I've been really busy. Part of the time I've been down and out. But all of the time I have been working on some pretty big life issues.

As I sat in counseling last night and rehashed just the last two weeks (we didn't meet last week), I was actually amazed at how much has been going on for me. But when I look at the last two months, it's almost overwhelming to think about.

When I really decided to get involved and connected at my church last September, I had no idea what was in store for me. Then when God grabbed me by the collar on February 1, 2009, my entire existence changed. My entire existence.

My life has changed in such huge ways, it is truly hard to fathom. I have completely new people in my life, and not just in a small way, but people who play a significant role. They haven't replaced the "old" people, but have just added new dimensions to my life. I had grown very accustomed to existing in my own little world, with really very little exposure that I didn't anticipate and "allow" - for lack of a better word. But now I have people in my life that I see on a regular basis and who are close to me in proximity. I've always had friends who were involved, but these new people are even more "in my business"...and I think that's how God intended it. I needed some new eyes to see me a little more up close and personally. I needed some new accountability. So, God brought a rush of people into my life in the form of my church family, and it has been good. Hard sometimes, but good. Being vulnerable can be very painful, but I firmly believe it is the best path to growth. The picture above was taken at a surprise birthday party that Jill threw for me. At one point I stood in the room and cried because I realized there was only one person in the room I'd even known for more than 6 months (Janet). That's when it hit me how much my life has changed since September.

So, since February 1, God has been teaching me and changing me. I have been in a major learning and growth spirt. I've learned things like the fact that God is healing my spirit, not my body, and I'm ok with that. I've learned that part of living is learning to take better care of myself. As my friend Jilly puts it, I'm finally learning what the feeding and caring of April looks like. I've learned that being connected also means being accountable - that's a good thing.

I have had a few bipolar crashes...several minor and one major. I have tried to gain some piece of knowledge from each of them. I've realized that over the past two years I have not been able to stay on my meds consistently and that has taken a big toll on my physically and mentally, and that get bigger every time I start and stop them. I've learned that my health and well being affects more than just me and that the people who care about me and are just as affected when I don't take care of myself.

I'm learning that I am capable of more than I give myself credit for and that the potential that others see in me may actually be truth...

I feel like I am at a crossroads in my journey. God is about to do something big I think (as if the last two months haven't been big enough...). I don't exactly know what it is, but I'm holding on for the ride. He's brought some pretty incredible people into my life, and He has deepened and strengthened many of my existing relationships. One thing that is for sure...I am not the same person I was in January, or September, or especially a year ago. I am certainly not the same person I have been for most of my life. I'm growing and changing, and that's exactly what God has had planned for me all along. I just had to say yes.


Carrie Jean Peeples said...

Great post!!! And thanks for coming into the office and keeping me company so often. I really like my office buddies ;)

dbatt320 said...

I was so excited to get your blog and read what a wonderful thing God is doing in your life.

I tried to call twice and my phone went on the blink both times (it has not done it before or since) so I decided God must be telling me to wait.

My prayers are with you and I love reading your blog.