My heart's thoughts

Is it just me or does anyone else feel like we kind of missed Christmas this year? Maybe it was all of the snow, maybe it was not being able to really go anywhere for several days (that felt like weeks...or was that just me too?), or maybe it was just that so many people I know had a very "different" Christmas without all the regular traditions like concerts, annual parties and visiting family members who weren't able to make it. The whole thing seems so surreal now.

One thing I've been thinking a lot about is how short my attention span is, or rather my contentment span. I'm always wanting snow, but then when it was here, I couldn't wait for it to go away. Now that it's gone, I stood outside thinking, 'wow that was gorgeous, I can't believe it's all gone. I miss the white beauty and the pure quiet it created.' I don't, however, miss being snowed in.

It felt soooo good to get out and go to church today. It was great to see some people that I've grown to care very much about over the last few months as I've gotten connected at church. In fact, this snow storm gave proof to me that I've begun to really get connected because I actually missed church and the people I've been getting to know. Then after church I went for a drive, just because I could. I was hoping to meet up with and spend some time with SOMEONE, but everyone was busy, so it was not meant to be. But it still felt good just to get out and drive.

The message in church this morning was taken out of Habakkuk. It was a good one for me to hear. Barbara Feil was our teacher this morning and her message was great. She showed us that even the men in the Bible questioned God when they were in the midst of crisis. Even they felt like at times God was absent or silent. And God's ok with us telling Him how we feel. The key thing though is that in the end we worship Him....no matter if things actually turn out the way we think they will or not.

"Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights." Habakkuk 3:18,19

I know some of you are hurting right now. Financial issues, death of a loved one, depression, grief, troubled relationships...the list goes on an on. It's ok to tell God how you feel. It's ok to be disappointed that most of us didn't have the Christmas we'd hoped for. But in the end, we need to praise Him. We may not always understand or know His purpose, but we DO know that He is ALWAYS in control and has a plan for us. And because of that, we can worship Him.

I'm praying for a very God-filled new year. I'd love to pray for you too. What would you like me to pray?

My Knight in Shining Subaru

My wonderful friend, Charlie, came to rescue me from being stuck at home. The roads are really bad, but they were no match for Charlie and his Subaru. When Jeni volunteered him to come get me, I told her no. I didn't think it was worth the stress I was sure he would feel driving me from Tigard to Clackamas. She said, "Are you kidding me? He's been dreaming of a snow storm like this since he was an 8 year kid living in Southern California! He's loving this!"

Sure enough, he was like a kid in a candy store when he arrived at 6:15 this morning. He's been working a ton of hours because he's one of the only ones that can get to work. In spite of that, he showed up smiling and giddy about being able to rescue me from solitary confinement. But that's just who he is...he LOVES to help people. That, combined with the thrill of using the Subaru to cut through the mess that is called I-5 and I-205, and he was really chipper, even at 6:00 in the morning after working a 15 hour shift. The roads were awful and I was really glad I hadn't gotten any further than I did yesterday when I attempted my escape. I wouldn't have made it in my car without chains.

So, my eternal gratitude goes out to Charlie Lewis for so much, but especially today for bringing me to my sister's place so that I don't have to spend Christmas alone. It was one of the very best gifts I have ever received!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

I'm bummed

Yeah, I'm totally bummed. I really wanted to get to Jan's house to ride out the rest of this storm. But alas and alack, it was not meant to be. I tried. In less than 2 miles I did 2 360's, got stuck, spun out several times and barely made it back home. So, home is where I landed. Just wanted to send out the update I promised...

Ho Ho Ho! Snow, snow snow. No No No!

Day #9 of being snowed in; I'm getting the heck outta here! They are predicting another 1-6" of snow tomorrow and I seriously can't take another 3 days of being alone in my little apartment.

The last 9 days have been a mixture of things for me. I was excited when it started snowing. Then I was disappointed that our choir concert was cancelled. Then I accepted that and just sat back to enjoy the beauty. As time wore on and the snow continued, I was amazed and in awe of it. Each day I tried to get out a little. I've never spent so much time in a grocery store...just walking around trying to soak in the essence of being around PEOPLE. I did venture over to friends or family's houses a couple of days. But then the BIG storm hit and being stuck and alone started to wear on me.

I love the snow, don't get me wrong. I think it's beautiful. I love the silence that it brings. But being alone for 9 days isn't good for me. I was doing pretty well dealing with it, until I heard on the news last night that they are calling for more snow tomorrow (on Christmas Eve). I don't think I've ever cried over a weather forecast, but that's exactly what I did. My friend Jan, took pity on me and said if I can safely get to her house today, I can come be snowed in there for a couple of days. So I'm going to try. I think a white Christmas will be wonderful...as long as I'm looking at it through the window WITH someone.

I do want to say though that I am thankful for many things during this "Arctic Blast"...I'm thankful that I have not lost power. I'm thankful for facebook as it has kept me at least virtually connected to other people. I'm thankful for Jan and Theresa who've put up with me calling them several times a day just to hear someone else's voice and keep me sane. I'm thankful that I live just around the corner from a video store and across the street from Safeway. I'm so thankful for Finn, my constant companion and snuggle bug...and a great source of entertainment at times. I'm thankful for the beauty.

I'll post a follow up later today to update everyone on where I land...at home, at Jan's, or stuck on the road somewhere. Yes, I'm taking food, blankets and Finn.

Why is it I always want what I cannot have? or Changing my focus...

Just about everyone who reads my blog knows that I have times in my life when I don't want to leave my house, sometimes for very long stretches. Such is the life of someone with bipolar. But give me a snow day or two when I can't leave the house, and I find myself going stir crazy. Then there was the sheer boredom I felt on Sunday night when my choir concert was cancelled. I'm almost always home alone for the rest of the day after church on Sunday, but just because I was "supposed to be" at the concert, I was insanely bored all afternoon and evening.

It made me start thinking about the fact that what it really boils down to is that I tend to want what I cannot have. If I don't have sweets in the house, I crave them. But if I have them around, I don't eat them (necessarily...haha). If I don't have money, I go shopping and want everything I see. But if I do have money, I can go shopping and not find anything I want.

I suppose it boils down to the old saying "the grass is always greener" or the economic rule of supply and demand, but I still find it very interesting, and kind of annoying, when it becomes so evident...like during an "arctic blast" in Portland.

I realized last night that I could have been using this time to work on my Bible studies, or I could have been cleaning my apartment. But instead I played on the computer and watched movies and/or endless tv reports of icy streets and snowy forecasts, all the while focusing on the fact that I couldn't leave my area (without being in danger of wrecking my car, etc.).

So what can I learn from this? I need to learn how to be thankful in every situation and to be grateful for and focus on what I HAVE and not what I don't have. To that point, here are just a few things I'm grateful for (not nessecarily in any order of importance, except the first one):

The God of all Creation loves me

A warm, wonderful and loving little dog to snuggle with

Amazing friends (including my sisters), old and new

A roof over my head

Food in my fridge and cupboard

My car

A great church

Snow

Movies

Freedom

An adjustable bed

Amazingly, as I started typing that list, I realized I could keep going and going. I have a LOT to be thankful for, big things and small things.

Do you ever find yourself wanting what you cannot have? How do you change your focus?

I Should Not Brag and I Should Not Tease

Ever notice how when you brag about something or tease someone about something, it always comes back to bite you? Here are just a few of the things that have happened to me recently:

I used to always tease my mother about not being able to "hold it" and doing her "ballet walk" through the store because she had to go so bad. Guess who just did the whole ballet walk through Fred Meyer today and barely made it to the restroom?

I teased my friend Jill about being short on Tuesday night. Saturday afternoon I had to take my new pants to a tailor to be hemmed because they were too long.

On Saturday I teased my friend Theresa about one little drip of syrup falling from her fork. My entire next bite totally jumped off my fork and landed on my stomach.

I bragged to my sister that my dog "never gets poop stuck on his butt" (hers do all the time), and I teased Jocelyn Miller about putting her hand in dog poop on the garbage can last week. Then the other night after crawling into bed, Finn jumped up and I thought, "what's that smell?" Sure enough, Finn not only had poop stuck on his butt, but it was now all over the bed and my leg. Way worse than the garbage can handle...

All of that to say, be very careful about what you tease or brag about...it may just come back to bite you in the bahoody...

I'm Tagged

Mostly I'm writing this blog post to remind myself about what I heard and learned in church this morning. The title of the sermon was "God is There for Us," and it's the second in a series called "Intersect: Real Encounters with the Real God."

I usually arrive to church early enough to either listen to the worship team's run-through and/or at least early enough to look through the bulletin before the service begins. I like to see what songs we'll be singing and then at least glance at the Scriptures that the message will be coming from. At the top of today's sermon notes page the Scripture passage was listed like this;
Ezekiel; particularly Ezekiel 48:35. So I looked up Ezekiel 48:35 and this is what it says, "The distance all around will be 18,000 cubits. And the name of the city from that time on will be: The LORD is There ." I remember thinking, 'Huh? How is Eric going to preach a sermon out of that?' I had been focused on the first part of the verse thinking, ok...what does a city whose distance all around is 18,000 cubits have to do with me?

But then I saw it...the last four words, "The Lord is There." God began preparing my heart for the message.

Eric Venable is new to our church. He's the minister of students and families, and most importantly, he has a really good sense of humor. I always enjoy it when he speaks because he makes me laugh, but he also always seems to drive home a good point. Today was no exception.

Here's the thing that stood out and made an impression in my soul; there is a vast difference between believing in and belonging to God. So many people BELIEVE in God. They may even call themselves Christians, and maybe they are...technically speaking. But in reality, many people only know ABOUT God. Others may even pray, but really they only pray for God to fix things in their lives.

But then there are the people who BELONG to God. Those are the ones that have a real relationship with Him. They're the ones who have an on-going dialogue with God and want to please Him. Their everyday lives reflect a pattern of seeking after the things of God, of wanting to grow and change and not just live mediocre lives. Revelation 3:15, 16 even says, "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth." Yikes, that's pretty clear cut. God wants us to LIVE for Him, not just say we believe in Him.

Here's a passage that Eric read this morning and the way he explained it had never occurred to me. It's Matthew 7:21-23 "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'

I've always understood that these verses are basically saying that you can't earn your way into Heaven. I get that. But here's the new thing for me, it's in the very last part of the passage, "Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you." Jesus was saying this to people who professed faith, who prophesied, drove out demons and performed miracles! These weren't even just people who only came to God with a laundry list of needs...these were people who worked hard for God. And yet Jesus calls them evildoers and basically tells them to get lost. Why? Because they didn't have a living, breathing, active relationship with Him.

Just believing doesn't cut it. James 2:19 says, "You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder!" It's the relationship that matters.

So, there is a HUGE difference between just believing and belonging. As I thought about it this afternoon, I thought about how even as a child, one of the first words we learn is "mine." Or remember the seagulls in Finding Nemo? "Mine, Mine, Mine." Then I started thinking that you don't have to drive far into Portland to see all the gang signs tagging their turf. Now, I'm not in any way glorifying gangs, so please don't take that away from this, but when an area is tagged, other gangs know they better not cross the lines or there will be consequences. That area "belongs" to someone.

Well, I really want to be "tagged" for Christ. When other people see me, I want them to know that I BELONG to Christ. I don't just believe in Him. I don't just ask Him for things. I don't just say the words, or pray the prayers. I KNOW Christ. I have a relationship with Him, and as a result of my relationship with Him, I am constantly growing and changing into the person He wants me to be.

Are you tagged for Him? When other people look at your life, can they see Him clearly working in you? When you meet Jesus face to face, will He say to you, "I know you said you BELIEVED in me, but I never KNEW you...away you evildoer!" or will He say, "There you are! I know you! Welcome Home!"