Blog, Blog, Blog...April's Ramblings

Where Have I Been?

2009-05-20T11:58:00.000-07:00

Jilly Gossett, Janet Fraser, Don Hofer, Amy Elder, Dave Elder,
Me and Jill Hofer

That's a good question. The past two months have sailed by. Part of the time I've been really busy. Part of the time I've been down and out. But all of the time I have been working on some pretty big life issues.

As I sat in counseling last night and rehashed just the last two weeks (we didn't meet last week), I was actually amazed at how much has been going on for me. But when I look at the last two months, it's almost overwhelming to think about.

When I really decided to get involved and connected at my church last September, I had no idea what was in store for me. Then when God grabbed me by the collar on February 1, 2009, my entire existence changed. My entire existence.

My life has changed in such huge ways, it is truly hard to fathom. I have completely new people in my life, and not just in a small way, but people who play a significant role. They haven't replaced the "old" people, but have just added new dimensions to my life. I had grown very accustomed to existing in my own little world, with really very little exposure that I didn't anticipate and "allow" - for lack of a better word. But now I have people in my life that I see on a regular basis and who are close to me in proximity. I've always had friends who were involved, but these new people are even more "in my business"...and I think that's how God intended it. I needed some new eyes to see me a little more up close and personally. I needed some new accountability. So, God brought a rush of people into my life in the form of my church family, and it has been good. Hard sometimes, but good. Being vulnerable can be very painful, but I firmly believe it is the best path to growth. The picture above was taken at a surprise birthday party that Jill threw for me. At one point I stood in the room and cried because I realized there was only one person in the room I'd even known for more than 6 months (Janet). That's when it hit me how much my life has changed since September.

So, since February 1, God has been teaching me and changing me. I have been in a major learning and growth spirt. I've learned things like the fact that God is healing my spirit, not my body, and I'm ok with that. I've learned that part of living is learning to take better care of myself. As my friend Jilly puts it, I'm finally learning what the feeding and caring of April looks like. I've learned that being connected also means being accountable - that's a good thing.

I have had a few bipolar crashes...several minor and one major. I have tried to gain some piece of knowledge from each of them. I've realized that over the past two years I have not been able to stay on my meds consistently and that has taken a big toll on my physically and mentally, and that get bigger every time I start and stop them. I've learned that my health and well being affects more than just me and that the people who care about me and are just as affected when I don't take care of myself.

I'm learning that I am capable of more than I give myself credit for and that the potential that others see in me may actually be truth...

I feel like I am at a crossroads in my journey. God is about to do something big I think (as if the last two months haven't been big enough...). I don't exactly know what it is, but I'm holding on for the ride. He's brought some pretty incredible people into my life, and He has deepened and strengthened many of my existing relationships. One thing that is for sure...I am not the same person I was in January, or September, or especially a year ago. I am certainly not the same person I have been for most of my life. I'm growing and changing, and that's exactly what God has had planned for me all along. I just had to say yes.

The Hofers: God's Special Gift

2009-03-30T22:05:00.000-07:00

I am really blessed. I know that full well. I have amazing friends and relationships that have been a part of my life for more than 30 years in some cases. Not everyone has that. I get it.

But isn't it so fun when you turn around and suddenly there is a new gift from God that you never saw coming? That's what's happened to me with the Hofers.

It's happened so fast that I still find myself thinking, "where did these people come from and how can I love them so much already?" It has to be a God-thing. I'm sure they're thinking the same thing, especially when their youngest daughter says, "April, I think you should just become a Hofer," and their son introduces me to his friend as, "She's kind of like our Aunt." It has to be a God-thing.

I had the opportunity to spend some time with Jill, Jordan and Grace this week. It was spring break and they've never been to Cannon Beach. I know! Can you believe it?! So, because of my ties to CBCC I was able to get us a couple of rooms and we went down for two nights. Unfortunately, Don had to work, and Ashley had a trip to NY (can't imagine why she didn't trade that in for CB...), but the four of us had a great time.

Probably one of the best parts of the trip for me was getting to spend some time with Jordan and really getting to know him a lot better. He is really a great kid, with a really fun sense of humor. He and I went on an early morning beach combing expedition and found 62 whole sand dollars, a crab shell, an entire razor clam shell (both halves), a couple of limpets and a couple smal orange scallops. Very rewarding trip. Especially when he's never really had that experience before. We laughed and talked a lot and I feel like it really sealed the beginning of a great relationship with a kid that I respect and can't wait to watch grow up.

I have a lot of respect for the Hofers. They are a great family. We have a lot of fun together and quite frankly have already been through a lot together in just the short 6 months I have known them. They truly are a gift and I don't want to take that for granted at all. I love the Hofers. And when I left their house the other night and Don said, "Bye April Hofer," I was pretty sure they love me too. I'm happy to be and adopted part of their clan.

Friendship

2009-03-12T23:57:00.001-07:00

Even now as I am writing this I am being loved well by someone I've only known for 194 days. 194 days - that's barely over six months. Yet here I am, sitting in my pj's on her couch, with everyone else upstairs fast asleep, because medically I can't be alone for a couple of days. When it came to that point, she opened her door, without hesitation and said, come here. You are not only welcome, you are wanted. Wow. Even now I am speechless.

Then today, when I needed to be drug tooth and nail (almost literally) to the doctor, another friend did not hesitate to say, "I will take you....I'll be right there." She not only took me, she went into the appointment with me, listened to everything the doctor said, taking notes the whole time, because I knew that I wouldn't remember everything, if anything.

Then there's my poor post-surgery friend, whom I've known even fewer than 194 days who's been calling me, checking up on me, been in cahoots with my other friends, to make sure I'm following Drs orders...even when I can't actually remember them.

Or how about my friend who called me on his way to work in the wee hours of the morning yesterday just to check with me, let me cry and tell me he cared and would be praying for me...

These are all NEW friends...this doesn't even count all of the ROCK SOLID friends that have been in my life forever.

What in the world did I ever do to deserve such loving and amazing friends? Nothing that I can think of....they are just those kind of people...the kind that love God and as a result, love those around them, and love them well.

I lost a dear friend this week. A friend that I dearly loved...dearly loved. He was amazing and bright, funny and smart, the kind of guy everyone loved. I lost track of him, but I always trusted that he would come back into my life one day. The I got the email on Tuesday night that he was gone. Something very bad and very wrong had entangled itself up in his life and caused him to believe his life wasn't worth living anymore. I've been there. I was there...more than one. My heart aches and my eyes are hot with tears for more reasons that I can explain, and for even more reasons than I can come to grapple with...my reasons, his reason, his darkness, my darkness, his pain, my pain, his feelings of utter hopelessness, my feelings of utter hopelessness.

But something changed for me that just must not have clicked for him. On February 1, 2009, Jesus knocked on the door to my heart and He said, "April, it's time for you to start living a part from that hopelessness you've been holding onto for so long. It's time for you to be grateful to be alive." I answered the knock, and have slowly but sure been making changes.

I wish Bradley would have answered that knock. I'm sure Jesus gave him the same opportunity He gave me. I'm so incredibly sad that Brad really isn't going to walk back into my life like I always hoped he would. My heart is breaking that I'll never share the laughter with him again, or the incredible hugs, or holding hands while we walked on the beach talking about all the cool things God was doing. No, somewhere along the way Satan stole Brad's joy. I get it. I really do. I was there. I was there. In fact, I visited that very lonely place yesterday. It sucked.

But I didn't stay there because when I answered Jesus' call on February 1, He brought a lot of pretty amazing friends into my life that recognized where I was headed yesterday. They hollered from afar, and when that didn't work, they literally showed up on my doorstep, took me by the hand and said, "uhh, you're coming with me until you're out of this black hole. You don't belong here anymore."

I'm more grateful than I know how to express for my friends. They truly are Jesus with skin on. Father give me balance and wisdom. Help me to always be the best kind of friend that you'd have me to be.

I pray for mercy, peace and comfort for my dear friend Brad's family. I can't wait to have a nice long sit-down with Brad in heaven...first I'll smack him, then I'll hug him, then I'll make him go for one of our long walks while I hold his hand, tell him how much I love him and find out what the heck happened.

Thank you so much to EVERYONE that's been here for me this week, especially 3 of my J angels. I don't know where I'd be tonight if it weren't for you. I'm certain I wouldn't be on the Hofer couch in my jammies writing this blog...

Life is a Whirlwind

2009-02-05T09:30:00.000-08:00

I've been doing a lot of pondering in the last few days. Things have sure changed in my life over the past year. Five months ago, I was sneaking in the side door of church and then rushing out before I'd have to speak to someone I didn't know.

Now I feel like maybe I'm there too much. Even people in the offices know who I am (with the exception of Eric Venable who calls me Ginger...just a little joke...). I have a bunch of new friends, two of whom have already become really important parts of my life.

How did this all happen so quickly? Maybe God was preparing things along the way and I just didn't know it. Maybe it was God leading me (crying all the way) to Barbara Feil's office. Maybe it was God putting me in a small group for Bible study that just HAPPENED to have 2 gals I'd been in choir with in 2005. Maybe it was God leading Jill Hofer by the nostrils to introduce herself to me (okay, not literally by the nostils, but that image amused me). Maybe it was God moving me to join the choir. Maybe it was God arranging it so that Jilly Gossett stood next to me one Sunday while we were singing...then she put her arm around me and said she wanted to do that again. Maybe it was just a God-Thing.

So much of our lives is orchestrated by God-Things. But we have to be open to see it. I'm learning this year just how much God WILL mold me and shape me if I just surrender.

A really great friend of mine told me the other day that she gave her life to Christ a long time ago. But then she had to come to the point of givng her HEART to Him. Now she's working on giving her MIND to Him. He really does want us to give out entire beings to Him. Why is it that we tend to do just one part at a time? Even now I find myself thinking, "hmmm, I can give Him my perotid gland, that shouldn't be too painful." Why am I so afraid of God turning my life upside down?

I can tell you this much...my life HAS been turned upside down this year, and it is very good...not always EASY, but still very good. I think I'll move on from my perotid gland to an organ that will have more of an impact for the Kingdom. Wanna join me for a great adventure?

Spin the Other Way!

2009-01-26T18:56:00.000-08:00

After my last post I twittered "uh-oh I feel the downward spiral beginning..." to which, a good friend of mine twittered back and said, "Spin the other way friend...i love you." Little did she know what an effect that would have on me. First, it made me laugh, and we all know that laughter through tears is the best. But then God began to speak to my heart with that simple phrase...spin the other way.

I truly was spiraling downward. It started last week and was getting worse by the minute. If I could paint a picture of what was happening, it would be something similar to a corkscrew twisting down into the cork...only I was on the end of the corkscrew being pushed further and further down into the dark. This morning wasn't much better as I struggled with car trouble, which snowballs into financial issues, blah, blah, blah...and soon I was right back to the point of spiraling further downward. Then God echoed, "Spin the other way sweetie" ('cuz that's what God calls me), and I made the decision NOT to go back to the hole I'd been in for the last several days (which in this case is literally in my bed with my covers over my head). I called my friend Jan and asked if I could come over for lunch (she just happened to have today off). That simple act helped me to spin the other way and begin to twist my way out of the cold dark cork.

I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone else, but really the point I wanted to get to was that after telling me to "spin the other way", my friend thought maybe it wasn't the "right" thing to say. In fact, I think she even said it was a stupid thing to say. Hah! Little did she know that it would be the ONE thing that has started to pull me back into the Light. So, when someone you know is hurting, and you don't know what to say to them, just tell them what comes to mind. God will always use what you have to give to bless the ones you to whom you are giving. "Spin the Other Way" is now a permanent part of my healing vocabulary.

Rethinking the Whole Getting Connected Thing

2009-01-25T17:04:00.000-08:00

So, for the last several weeks I've been prattling on and on about how great it is to finally be getting connected in my church. Well, now I'm at the part of me when I crash and burn and honestly this morning didn't feel so good. It was embarrassing. I'm not used to having people who don't know me see me in this state. I'm used to either skipping church altogether, or at least hiding in the shadows and being able to run out without having to talk to anyone. I hate crying in public, but this morning it went beyond just that. I thought I'd be able to hold it together long enough to make it through the choir singing on stage...and I did fairly well. I avoided as much contact as possible because I knew if someone hugged me or had too much eye contact with me, the flood gate would open. But then came the last song..."I called, You answered and You came to my resucue and I want to be where You are." Anyone who knows me knows that THAT is truly the very deepest desire of my heart...to be with Jesus and gone from this wretched mind. It was all I could do to continue standing up there. I felt my face contorting trying to hold back the flood that was knocking...no pounding to get out. I nearly ran from the church, tears streaming before I even made it to my car. Then it all washed over me. I don't understand why God made me this way, and I probably never will. But it's embarrassing and humiliating and now I know that being connected makes it worse because now the people who observe me know me and I will have to try to expalin things to them. It's a terrible predicament to be in. I wanted someone to understand, to hug me and just say it will pass...it's not forever...but that would require vulnerability on my part. It would have been much easier to be able to hide behind my tears and leave unnoticed, or to not have gone at all. This is a dark side of me that I am not fond of...

Things I Learned From Being a Rent-a-Mom

2009-01-19T23:53:00.001-08:00

The grass is NOT always greener on the other side.
Children say the darnedest things.
A toddler crying when they realize you are out of their sight will melt your heart.
Daddies are meant for adventure, Mommies are meant to worry about what will happen as result of those adventures.
“Daddy only activities” make me nervous.
Mommies have every right to say “I told you so.
Tag-teaming is way easier than going it alone.
Children don’t sleep in, no matter how little sleep the mama gets.
The distance between causing a child to say “this is the worst time in my life” to “you’re the best Auntie April I’ve ever had” is not very far.
Becoming the parent of a 4 year old and an 18 month old was not intended to happen overnight.
Routine is a good thing.
Macaroni and cheese is a lifesaver.
A Dad who cooks is an amazing thing.
Sippy cups are a great invention and anyone with little kids should have at least 10 per child.
Sleep is NOT over-rated.
Phinneas and Ferb is funny…even the 4th time around.
A DVR is a blessed thing.
Teaching a toddler where the recycling bin is saves you a lot of trips to the kitchen and gives them a great sense of pride.
Little girls cannot run without squealing.
Hat day is cute and fun.
The living room floor will never be toy free…why even try?
Refrigerator magnets will not stay on the refrigerator when there is a toddler around.
Having a phobia about baby slobber doesn’t last long when you’re responsible for a toddler 24 hours a day.
There is a time/space continuum issue when trying to entertain children for very long periods of time.
I'm perfectly happy being an Auntie and not a Mommy.

25 Random Things About Me

2009-01-17T15:16:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I stole this idea from Patsy Clairmont, but I thought it was a fun blog. I'd love to have you respond with your own list, or maybe something you can relate to in mine.

1. My favorite color is purple.
2. The entire right side of my body is noticeably larger than the left side.
3. I don't have cable or Internet access at my home. (Sometimes I can access wifi from neighbors though...shhh)
4. I love the smell of skunk.
5. I have a "thing" about hand injuries...mine or anyone else's.
6. I've taught myself how to marginally play the piano, guitar and coronet.
7. I played the clarinet in jr. high.
8. I love to scrapbook.
9. I once returned videos to a rental store in a bag which also contained my bra. Yes, they gave it back to me because they discovered it while I was still in the store...
10. My favorite adult beverage is Malibu Rum and pineapple juice.
11. Cheese is my favorite food.
12. I actually have 4 sisters. My oldest sister, Nancy died at birth.
13. I was born with jet black hair that turned to toe-head blonde and is now getting darker by the minute.
14. I never learned to ride a bike.
15. I once walked into work with a white pair of undies stuck to the velcro on my cargo pocket.
16. I used to sing so loud in the shower that my mother would tell me to be quiet because she couldn't hear the tv in the living room. (I liked the acoustics...)
17. My favorite vegetable is green beans because they squeak on my teeth.
18. I own over 500 dvds.
19. I once did a stand-up comic routine for a talent show.
20. I was on Ramblin Rod when I was in grade-school. If you don't know what that is, you didn't live in Portland in the 70's.
21. I have a weird artistic talent for drawing that literally comes and goes. Sometimes I can draw anything and sometimes I can't draw anything.
22. I have two tattoos.
23. My ears don't curl down at the top like most people's, they are flat. I like my ears.
24. I love scary movies.
25. I once burned Top Ramen.

Last week I gave away a starbuck's card in a drawing for those who responded. How about if this time I do a drawing for a framed copy of one of my lighthouse drawings? Comments must be here at blogspot (NOT on facebook), and must be received by 9:00 p.m. Wednesday, January 21. Happy commenting!

Divine Calling and other stuff

2009-01-11T13:21:00.000-08:00

My heart feels really heavy today. I don't know what my problem is. I started tearing up in church this morning and now feel like there's a flood waiting just behind a straining dam. Maybe I'm PMSing (my apologies to my male readers...). Maybe I'm convicted. Maybe I'm just confused.

This morning's message was really great. It was taken out of Genesis 12:1-3. The main point was that our divine calling as Christians is to be a blessing to the world. Pastor Ron talked about how when he was young he quickly discovered what he was "born to do" - connect people to Jesus. His wife discovered she was born to have a ministry to orphans. He asked the question, "What are you passionate about?" Phew. What AM I passionate about?

Well, I am passionate about people. But honestly, I don't really feel like I'm very successful at being a blessing to people. I try. But alas and alack, I feel like I just mess things up all the time.

Then there's the whole, what was I born to do thing. I'm almost 45 now and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I want to do something that makes a difference. I want to do something that impacts people's lives. I've always really wanted to be a therapist, but is that just because I'm such a basket case myself? Am I too old to pursue that dream now? I tried going back to school a few years ago. I did fairly well until I got the science and math requirements...then I failed pretty miserably and found myself stuck mentally.

So, here I am, contemplating what I'm passionate about, what I want to do with my life, how am I doing at fulfilling my divine calling and where do I go from here...

Does anyone else grapple with this or is it just me? What is your passion in life? When did you realize what you were born to do...or have you yet? What are your ideas about how to fulfill our divine calling to be a blessing to the world?

To encourage some feedback, I'm going to offer a prize. (I got this idea from one of my favorite speakers, Patsy Clairmont...) Let's see, how about a $5.00 Starbucks gift card? I will put everyone who comments by 9:00 p.m. on Friday, January 16, 2009 into a drawing for the gift card (make sure you give me a way to contact you if you win). So comment away! I really want some feedback on this one...

(For the sake of my readers who are not on Facebook, in order to be entered into the drawing, the comments must be here on my blog (original post), not on the facebook notes.)

Husband for Rent?

2009-01-08T15:43:00.001-08:00

I wish I could rent a husband sometimes.

For many, many years I really wanted to be married (after uploading these pictures I took today I'm absolutely dumbfounded as to why some man didn't snap me up years ago...). At first I wanted the whole package...husband, kids, dog and mini van. As I aged beyond child-bearing years, I downsized that dream to just a husband, a dog and an SUV. Now finally, I'm pretty settled with just the dog and the SUV, although sometimes it would still be nice to have a husband.

Like during the snow it would've been nice to have someone to go buy chains for my car and put them on. You know, someone to do the heavy lifting. But I have friends with husbands who help me out a lot (Charlie, you know who you are...).

But therein lies the rub...most of my friends, and women my age have husbands. That's a bigger reason I wish I had a husband at times. It would be so fun (and much easier frankly) to get together with people if I had a husband to hang out with my friends' husbands. Married people are just much less likely to invite a middle aged single gal over for dinner. So, for the purpose of furthering my social life, I wish I could rent a husband sometimes.

Christmas in January: Too Much Fun

2009-01-05T17:17:00.000-08:00

"God Has Come Concert Canceled Due to Arctic Blast"

I was totally bummed. We'd worked long and hard on the music and now we wouldn't get to perform it. Luckily we have a tenacious choir director and she was determined that all of the time we spent preparing would not be in vain. (She's my hero by the way...) Jill was able to get the concert rescheduled for January 4, 2009. Sure, it was after Christmas, but then again, Christmas isn't the only day we can celebrate the birth of Christ!

So, we finally had our concert, and lots of people showed up. It was so much fun to be a part of. I even got to sing a solo! That was an amazing privilege...and a little scary at first. During our first "dress rehearsal" before the concert was canceled, I messed it up really bad. So, the cancellation gave me lots of extra practice time and I pulled it off last night...and wasn't even nervous. I haven't sang a solo since I belted out "Be Our Guest" on Saturday nights at CBCC, and that was in a much smaller venue. Haha. So it was a precious experience and one that I won't soon forget.

Oh, and did I mention that it started snowing again about an hour before the concert? Yeah, usually I'm excited about snow, but not so much at that moment. The first time around, I had 30+ people coming to the concert. That went down to 16 that were planning to make it to the rescheduled time. When all was said and done, I had 10 glorious guests, and was so grateful for their gift to me...the gift of presence. It meant so much to me that they came...even more so that they braved the snow to do it! Charlie (my personal photographer) said it was the best Christmas concert he'd ever been to (although once my solo was over with, his 4 year old daughter asked if it was over after every song and at one point told her mother, "Mom, it's way past my bedtime" haha). Chris and Toni really want a cd of the song, "Worship Him" which just happened to be composed by my afore-mentioned hero. Jeni said she's finally in the mood for Christmas... The reviews were wonderful.

The last time I was in choir (fall of 2005), I quit after Christmas. But this time, they'll have to kick me out to get rid of me...and even then I'd probably still show up. Jill's a really fun director and makes being in the choir not only enjoyable, but really meaningful. She has created a family-like atmosphere where we are bonding and forming great friendships. There is some sweet fellowship there. While it's easy to get caught up in learning the music, Jill often stops and makes us look at the meaning of what we're singing. If she's said it once, she's said it a thousand times..."even the rocks are praising Him" and that's what it's ALL about for her, which is what makes being in choir so great. She gives us ample opportunity to be involved with the Worship Team. We help lead worship about once a month, which is truly a moving experience, and always has an impact on me at a deep level.

So, be on the lookout for future concerts. Maybe around Easter? I don't know, but if you want me to, I'll keep you posted about when we are singing. Oh, and if you're on facebook, you can see a video of the acappella piece we did last night. It's posted on the left of my fb page.

New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-03T21:28:00.000-08:00

I got to spend time with friends and family for NYE and New Year's Day. I loved every second of it. I love laughing and building memories. It made me start thinking about what my new year may look like.

Of course this is the time of year when everyone seems to look at the things in their lives they may want to take a crack at changing in the coming year. They call them New Year's Resolutions.

Did you know there are several definitions of the word resolution? I know, most people mean this definition: the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.

But I think I'm going to base my New Year's Resolutions on this definition: reduction to a simpler form; conversion. I want to get back to some basics, make some conversions....

1. I want to spend more time on spiritual matters...contemplating messages from church, digging deeper in my Bible studies, and talking with people about what God is doing in our lives.

2. I want to spend more time actually talking to and spending TIME with people face to face instead of just interacting via facebook, emailing or texting. Here are some pictures of me doing just that on the first day of the year...These are two of my older sisters, Cathy and Charlene.

I know there are lots of other things that I need to work on in my life, but really aren't those two things what life really boils down to? Those are the things that count for eternity. So I'm boiling my resolutions down to a simpler form.

What are you thinking about in your life as the new year begins? This is not a rhetorical question...I really want to know!

My heart's thoughts

2008-12-28T22:36:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or does anyone else feel like we kind of missed Christmas this year? Maybe it was all of the snow, maybe it was not being able to really go anywhere for several days (that felt like weeks...or was that just me too?), or maybe it was just that so many people I know had a very "different" Christmas without all the regular traditions like concerts, annual parties and visiting family members who weren't able to make it. The whole thing seems so surreal now.

One thing I've been thinking a lot about is how short my attention span is, or rather my contentment span. I'm always wanting snow, but then when it was here, I couldn't wait for it to go away. Now that it's gone, I stood outside thinking, 'wow that was gorgeous, I can't believe it's all gone. I miss the white beauty and the pure quiet it created.' I don't, however, miss being snowed in.

It felt soooo good to get out and go to church today. It was great to see some people that I've grown to care very much about over the last few months as I've gotten connected at church. In fact, this snow storm gave proof to me that I've begun to really get connected because I actually missed church and the people I've been getting to know. Then after church I went for a drive, just because I could. I was hoping to meet up with and spend some time with SOMEONE, but everyone was busy, so it was not meant to be. But it still felt good just to get out and drive.

The message in church this morning was taken out of Habakkuk. It was a good one for me to hear. Barbara Feil was our teacher this morning and her message was great. She showed us that even the men in the Bible questioned God when they were in the midst of crisis. Even they felt like at times God was absent or silent. And God's ok with us telling Him how we feel. The key thing though is that in the end we worship Him....no matter if things actually turn out the way we think they will or not.

"Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights." Habakkuk 3:18,19

I know some of you are hurting right now. Financial issues, death of a loved one, depression, grief, troubled relationships...the list goes on an on. It's ok to tell God how you feel. It's ok to be disappointed that most of us didn't have the Christmas we'd hoped for. But in the end, we need to praise Him. We may not always understand or know His purpose, but we DO know that He is ALWAYS in control and has a plan for us. And because of that, we can worship Him.

I'm praying for a very God-filled new year. I'd love to pray for you too. What would you like me to pray?

My Knight in Shining Subaru

2008-12-24T09:46:00.000-08:00

My wonderful friend, Charlie, came to rescue me from being stuck at home. The roads are really bad, but they were no match for Charlie and his Subaru. When Jeni volunteered him to come get me, I told her no. I didn't think it was worth the stress I was sure he would feel driving me from Tigard to Clackamas. She said, "Are you kidding me? He's been dreaming of a snow storm like this since he was an 8 year kid living in Southern California! He's loving this!"

Sure enough, he was like a kid in a candy store when he arrived at 6:15 this morning. He's been working a ton of hours because he's one of the only ones that can get to work. In spite of that, he showed up smiling and giddy about being able to rescue me from solitary confinement. But that's just who he is...he LOVES to help people. That, combined with the thrill of using the Subaru to cut through the mess that is called I-5 and I-205, and he was really chipper, even at 6:00 in the morning after working a 15 hour shift. The roads were awful and I was really glad I hadn't gotten any further than I did yesterday when I attempted my escape. I wouldn't have made it in my car without chains.

So, my eternal gratitude goes out to Charlie Lewis for so much, but especially today for bringing me to my sister's place so that I don't have to spend Christmas alone. It was one of the very best gifts I have ever received!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

I'm bummed

2008-12-23T11:02:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I'm totally bummed. I really wanted to get to Jan's house to ride out the rest of this storm. But alas and alack, it was not meant to be. I tried. In less than 2 miles I did 2 360's, got stuck, spun out several times and barely made it back home. So, home is where I landed. Just wanted to send out the update I promised...

Ho Ho Ho! Snow, snow snow. No No No!

2008-12-23T06:59:00.000-08:00

Day #9 of being snowed in; I'm getting the heck outta here! They are predicting another 1-6" of snow tomorrow and I seriously can't take another 3 days of being alone in my little apartment.

The last 9 days have been a mixture of things for me. I was excited when it started snowing. Then I was disappointed that our choir concert was cancelled. Then I accepted that and just sat back to enjoy the beauty. As time wore on and the snow continued, I was amazed and in awe of it. Each day I tried to get out a little. I've never spent so much time in a grocery store...just walking around trying to soak in the essence of being around PEOPLE. I did venture over to friends or family's houses a couple of days. But then the BIG storm hit and being stuck and alone started to wear on me.

I love the snow, don't get me wrong. I think it's beautiful. I love the silence that it brings. But being alone for 9 days isn't good for me. I was doing pretty well dealing with it, until I heard on the news last night that they are calling for more snow tomorrow (on Christmas Eve). I don't think I've ever cried over a weather forecast, but that's exactly what I did. My friend Jan, took pity on me and said if I can safely get to her house today, I can come be snowed in there for a couple of days. So I'm going to try. I think a white Christmas will be wonderful...as long as I'm looking at it through the window WITH someone.

I do want to say though that I am thankful for many things during this "Arctic Blast"...I'm thankful that I have not lost power. I'm thankful for facebook as it has kept me at least virtually connected to other people. I'm thankful for Jan and Theresa who've put up with me calling them several times a day just to hear someone else's voice and keep me sane. I'm thankful that I live just around the corner from a video store and across the street from Safeway. I'm so thankful for Finn, my constant companion and snuggle bug...and a great source of entertainment at times. I'm thankful for the beauty.

I'll post a follow up later today to update everyone on where I land...at home, at Jan's, or stuck on the road somewhere. Yes, I'm taking food, blankets and Finn.

Why is it I always want what I cannot have? or Changing my focus...

2008-12-16T12:30:00.000-08:00

Just about everyone who reads my blog knows that I have times in my life when I don't want to leave my house, sometimes for very long stretches. Such is the life of someone with bipolar. But give me a snow day or two when I can't leave the house, and I find myself going stir crazy. Then there was the sheer boredom I felt on Sunday night when my choir concert was cancelled. I'm almost always home alone for the rest of the day after church on Sunday, but just because I was "supposed to be" at the concert, I was insanely bored all afternoon and evening.

It made me start thinking about the fact that what it really boils down to is that I tend to want what I cannot have. If I don't have sweets in the house, I crave them. But if I have them around, I don't eat them (necessarily...haha). If I don't have money, I go shopping and want everything I see. But if I do have money, I can go shopping and not find anything I want.

I suppose it boils down to the old saying "the grass is always greener" or the economic rule of supply and demand, but I still find it very interesting, and kind of annoying, when it becomes so evident...like during an "arctic blast" in Portland.

I realized last night that I could have been using this time to work on my Bible studies, or I could have been cleaning my apartment. But instead I played on the computer and watched movies and/or endless tv reports of icy streets and snowy forecasts, all the while focusing on the fact that I couldn't leave my area (without being in danger of wrecking my car, etc.).

So what can I learn from this? I need to learn how to be thankful in every situation and to be grateful for and focus on what I HAVE and not what I don't have. To that point, here are just a few things I'm grateful for (not nessecarily in any order of importance, except the first one):

The God of all Creation loves me

A warm, wonderful and loving little dog to snuggle with

Amazing friends (including my sisters), old and new

A roof over my head

Food in my fridge and cupboard

My car

A great church

Snow

Movies

Freedom

An adjustable bed

Amazingly, as I started typing that list, I realized I could keep going and going. I have a LOT to be thankful for, big things and small things.

Do you ever find yourself wanting what you cannot have? How do you change your focus?

I Should Not Brag and I Should Not Tease

2008-12-01T23:22:00.000-08:00

Ever notice how when you brag about something or tease someone about something, it always comes back to bite you? Here are just a few of the things that have happened to me recently:

I used to always tease my mother about not being able to "hold it" and doing her "ballet walk" through the store because she had to go so bad. Guess who just did the whole ballet walk through Fred Meyer today and barely made it to the restroom?

I teased my friend Jill about being short on Tuesday night. Saturday afternoon I had to take my new pants to a tailor to be hemmed because they were too long.

On Saturday I teased my friend Theresa about one little drip of syrup falling from her fork. My entire next bite totally jumped off my fork and landed on my stomach.

I bragged to my sister that my dog "never gets poop stuck on his butt" (hers do all the time), and I teased Jocelyn Miller about putting her hand in dog poop on the garbage can last week. Then the other night after crawling into bed, Finn jumped up and I thought, "what's that smell?" Sure enough, Finn not only had poop stuck on his butt, but it was now all over the bed and my leg. Way worse than the garbage can handle...

All of that to say, be very careful about what you tease or brag about...it may just come back to bite you in the bahoody...

I'm Tagged

2008-11-30T18:23:00.000-08:00

Mostly I'm writing this blog post to remind myself about what I heard and learned in church this morning. The title of the sermon was "God is There for Us," and it's the second in a series called "Intersect: Real Encounters with the Real God."

I usually arrive to church early enough to either listen to the worship team's run-through and/or at least early enough to look through the bulletin before the service begins. I like to see what songs we'll be singing and then at least glance at the Scriptures that the message will be coming from. At the top of today's sermon notes page the Scripture passage was listed like this;
Ezekiel; particularly Ezekiel 48:35. So I looked up Ezekiel 48:35 and this is what it says, "The distance all around will be 18,000 cubits. And the name of the city from that time on will be: The LORD is There ." I remember thinking, 'Huh? How is Eric going to preach a sermon out of that?' I had been focused on the first part of the verse thinking, ok...what does a city whose distance all around is 18,000 cubits have to do with me?

But then I saw it...the last four words, "The Lord is There." God began preparing my heart for the message.

Eric Venable is new to our church. He's the minister of students and families, and most importantly, he has a really good sense of humor. I always enjoy it when he speaks because he makes me laugh, but he also always seems to drive home a good point. Today was no exception.

Here's the thing that stood out and made an impression in my soul; there is a vast difference between believing in and belonging to God. So many people BELIEVE in God. They may even call themselves Christians, and maybe they are...technically speaking. But in reality, many people only know ABOUT God. Others may even pray, but really they only pray for God to fix things in their lives.

But then there are the people who BELONG to God. Those are the ones that have a real relationship with Him. They're the ones who have an on-going dialogue with God and want to please Him. Their everyday lives reflect a pattern of seeking after the things of God, of wanting to grow and change and not just live mediocre lives. Revelation 3:15, 16 even says, "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth." Yikes, that's pretty clear cut. God wants us to LIVE for Him, not just say we believe in Him.

Here's a passage that Eric read this morning and the way he explained it had never occurred to me. It's Matthew 7:21-23 "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'

I've always understood that these verses are basically saying that you can't earn your way into Heaven. I get that. But here's the new thing for me, it's in the very last part of the passage, "Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you." Jesus was saying this to people who professed faith, who prophesied, drove out demons and performed miracles! These weren't even just people who only came to God with a laundry list of needs...these were people who worked hard for God. And yet Jesus calls them evildoers and basically tells them to get lost. Why? Because they didn't have a living, breathing, active relationship with Him.

Just believing doesn't cut it. James 2:19 says, "You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder!" It's the relationship that matters.

So, there is a HUGE difference between just believing and belonging. As I thought about it this afternoon, I thought about how even as a child, one of the first words we learn is "mine." Or remember the seagulls in Finding Nemo? "Mine, Mine, Mine." Then I started thinking that you don't have to drive far into Portland to see all the gang signs tagging their turf. Now, I'm not in any way glorifying gangs, so please don't take that away from this, but when an area is tagged, other gangs know they better not cross the lines or there will be consequences. That area "belongs" to someone.

Well, I really want to be "tagged" for Christ. When other people see me, I want them to know that I BELONG to Christ. I don't just believe in Him. I don't just ask Him for things. I don't just say the words, or pray the prayers. I KNOW Christ. I have a relationship with Him, and as a result of my relationship with Him, I am constantly growing and changing into the person He wants me to be.

Are you tagged for Him? When other people look at your life, can they see Him clearly working in you? When you meet Jesus face to face, will He say to you, "I know you said you BELIEVED in me, but I never KNEW you...away you evildoer!" or will He say, "There you are! I know you! Welcome Home!"

Looking for God...a Challenge

2008-11-23T17:25:00.000-08:00

Wow. I had a really amazing time at church this morning. First of all the worship service ROCKED hard...both literally and figuratively. The choir sang this morning, so I had the distinct privilege of being part of both worship services (the early and late services). Our church is set up so that the 9:00 service is more traditional with a mixture of hymns and new songs. The 11:00 service is louder and a more "contemporary" feel. This morning, well "contemporary" was really evident in a couple of the songs. Standing up on the risers and being a part of it all was a total blast. One minute I felt like I was a back up singer for a really great Christian rock band, but then the next minute I got completely lost in worship (I'd closed my eyes and for a few moments I felt almost weightless and forgot I was standing up on the risers...). It was really fun to be a part of it all.

The sermon was awesome. Our pastor has started a new series called, Intersect; Real Connections with the Real God. This morning he was talking about having more God-moments in our life. Basically the point is that the more we look for God in our day, the more He will reveal Himself to us and the more we will notice Him working. Look for ways that He opens up for us to minister to others, look for ways that He *winks* at us (see my post from October 13), look for the big and the small...search Him out. I guarantee you He's there!

So my goal is to look for Him this week. My challenge to you is to do the same. Here's the deal (*wink* Jill...), I want you to comment here on my blog, or on fb, send me an email or call me...contact me in other words...and tell me about your God-moments! We need to hear about what God's doing in each other's lives! We need to get excited about Him moving even and especially in all the little things in our lives! So LOOK for Him this week...what better timing for this challenge? It's Thanksgiving week...tell us what God's doing that you are thankful for!

Ok, I'll start by telling you something that happened earlier in the week. It's a really small thing, but never the less something that I remember distinctly saying "thank you God" for. I go to counseling at a place called William Temple House. I've been going there for a while. I almost always get there early and end up chatting with the receptionist. I'm fairly certain she is not a believer, so I look for ways to tell her about God and what He's done in my life. At one point I had asked her what her name was....but then I forgot. I was embarrassed to ask again, so the week before, I'd asked my counselor if she knew her name. She couldn't remember either. When I was there this past week, another client said to her, "Your name is Carly, right?" I immediately said, "Thank You God." Then about 4 minutes later a different client was leaving and said to her, "Bye Carly." I chuckled because I knew God was teasing me about my forgetfulness. I laughed and said again, "Thanks God."

Now I'm going to be waiting to hear about your God moments! Big or small. It'd be great if you'd share them in the comments here or on fb because I'd love for others to be encouraged by them too, but if you only want to share them with me, that's great too! I just want to hear from you! And just in case I don't post another blog before Thursday...Happy Thanksgiving!

Discombobulated

2008-11-20T08:20:00.000-08:00

dis·com·bob·u·late
(dĭs'kəm-bŏb'yə-lāt') Pronunciation tr.v.
dis·com·bob·u·lat·ed, dis·com·bob·u·lat·ing, dis·com·bob·u·lates

To throw into a state of confusion.

Discombobulated. That is exactly how I’ve felt for about the last 24 hours. It sort of all came to a head last night at choir practice. I suddenly realized I’d been working so much on the Christmas music that I’d neglected to learn the song we are singing THIS Sunday, along with all of the worship music we’ll be singing on Sunday.

As I was driving home I realized that I’d neglected to tell someone good-bye, or even really talk to her during practice (a new choir member who is also a member of my GIFT small group). I’d probably driven my choir director crazy with questions or at least looks of complete and utter confusion, despite her efforts to keep us all informed about what’s happening. And, I’d totally checked out near the end of practice because I just couldn’t get my act together.

Then when I got home from practice, I needed to email Jill and ask her to resend me the worship songs that I’d somehow overlooked so that I can learn them by Sunday. I needed to email Vicky to tell her I was sorry for not being very “present” for her during practice. But could I get online? Noooooo. And of course, I don’t have my Sidekick, so I couldn’t access the Internet from that either. I spent two hours trying to connect, to no avail.

When I finally decided to just give up and try to go to sleep, I couldn’t stop coughing. I’ve developed this deep, rib rattling cough in the last few days. My sides and back are actually sore from it.

Yep, discombobulated. That’s exactly how I felt. Exhausted and discombobulated. (Have you guessed that I love that word?) So, I drug my discombobulated self to Jesus and briefly prayed that He would just calm my mind (and my cough) so that I could sleep. Of course He did. He’s amazing like that. Loves to take care of me…of us.

After waking up this morning, I still feel kind of discombobulated. I’ve overcommitted myself and just have too many things to do and take care of…but it’s that time of year, right? The holidays = discombobulating. You know the song…”It’s that time of year for feeling discombobulated, every thought you hear seems to say, I’m confused now, don’t know where I’m s’posed to be….”

But God is not the Author of confusion (or being discombobulated). So, I’m going to start afresh this morning. I’m giving my day to Him. I need to remember something Sheila Walsh said at WOF, “God, I don’t know where You’re going today, but I’m going with You.”

Are you feeling discombobulated? Give it to the Great De-discombobulator. He’ll take care of your every need.

Addiction, semi-panic, or God's way of making me learn how to be quiet?

2008-11-17T17:49:00.000-08:00

Today the trackball on my Sidekick stopped scrolling down. I called to check about the warranty. Low and behold I have two days left on the manufacturer's warranty. Two days! So I rushed my bahoody to the T-Mobile store.

I have to send my Sidekick in for a replacement. They gave me a crappy little loaner phone. Even with my SIM card, it won't load the phone numbers from my address book. Who remembers anyone's phone numbers anymore?! I dialed my friend Jan (or at least what I was hoping was her cell phone number). When she answered, relieved I said, "Ok, was just making sure this was your phone number." She then asked me how much orange juice I'd had to drink (see earlier posting from October 23).

The phone number dilema is only one of the "problems" with not having my Sidekick. I can't access the internet on the crappy loaner phone. No checking facebook, or craigslist. No email. No games. What ever will I do when I'm waiting in line at the grocery store or worst of all, the Dr's office?!! At least I still have my ipod!

It was when that panic began to set in that I realized how addicted I am to my technological gadgets. For the last couple of months I've been TALKING about how I've been convicted about being quiet before God and just waiting for Him to speak to me. Notice the emphasis on TALKING about it. I still haven't DONE it.

Maybe this little break from my Sidekick is God-given so that in those moments that I'm waiting in line I can reflect on what God might have to say to me. Maybe I don't have to lock myself away in a closet somewhere to listen for His voice. Maybe I just need to put down the phone, the ipod, the computer, or whatever other device I'm using and just talk to God. Hmmm, novel idea...communicating with Him instead of just talking AT Him.

Old Lady Alert

2008-11-16T15:50:00.000-08:00

So, I'm doing a Bible study with my friend Jan. We met for the first time on Friday night. I'd worked really hard to prepare for it. I'd read the book, the Scriptures associated, answered my questions and was all ready for our discussion.

I was particularly ready to discuss one of the verses I'd read that I really couldn't wrap my brain around. I'd even highlighted it in my workbook with "let's discuss Proverbs 14:10" written in all caps so I'd remember to talk about it with her.

When it came to that point in the study I anxiously said, I want to discuss this verse with you because I don't really get it. So I opened my Bible and read Proverbs 14:10 aloud, "Each heart knows its own business, and no one else can share its joy." Then I asked, "what does it mean each heart knows its own business?" to which Jan replied, "it says, bitterness, not business." Hmm, that made a little more sense. But it was then that I had to finally admit to myself that I can't see the words in my Bible, even with my glasses on.

Jan went and got her "readers" and I was so excited about the fact that I could see! I could actually read my Bible, my pager, the book, even my own handwriting! Voila! So, on Saturday morning when I was at Walmart, I promptly went to the pharmacy area and picked out my own pair of "readers". Who cares that the strength of the readers I had to get is "usually" for 48-50 year olds! I can read again! So, I've ushered in my old lady-dom with my first pair of readers and I donned them proudly in church this morning. Next, gotta get my bahoody into the eye doctor!

What do you think of my readers? Are they hot or not?

God is Still Doing Great Things

2008-11-13T21:37:00.000-08:00

The Cove in Seaside, Oregon

Sometimes I feel like those rocks...pounded by the waves. But then again, that's how the rocks are smoothed and shaped. I know it's kind of cliche' but it is true.

This has been a rough week. Really rough. One of those weeks that for someone like me can literally be disabling. But in the midst of all of it, I've had three moments of clarity. One came when I was sitting on a porch swing with my best friend and realized how fortunate I am to have someone like her in my life who has the absolute ability to bring peace to my befuddled mind just by sitting with me.

Another moment of clarity came to me when I realized what amazing friends God has brought into my life over the years and right up to the present. I was in such a haze this week that I hadn't really taken stock in how many wonderful people were checking in with me and just letting me know they love me. Some of them I've known for 25+ years and others I've only known for a few weeks, but all of them LOVE the Lord, and by His extension, they love me. You all know who you are. Please know that even if it seemed I was unresponsive, I WAS impacted by your reaching out to me. If there's one thing that I truly never lose sight of (even in my darkest hours), it's the fact that God has BLESSED me big time in the area of strong, loving, lifelong friendships.

The other ah-ha moment came at the end of choir practice (which I had confessed to my wonderful choir director that I really didn't want to go to...nice huh?). Jill (our director) had us stand in a circle and sing "God is Still Doing Great Things" while looking at one another. When I looked at the faces of the people around the room, and listened to the amazing music coming from our hearts, I was able to remember that "yes, God is doing great things."

No matter where I am, or what state of mind I am in, God is always working in me and around me. Sometimes it may feel like I'm being pummeled by the waves of life, but when the waves recede, and they WILL recede, something about me will have changed. God is smoothing out the edges and shaping me to be the person He wants me to be. He IS still doing great things.

And by the way, I apologized to Jill for telling her I didn't really want to be at choir practice. Her gracious response proves why I'm so lucky that God brought her into my life. She said, "You can always tell me you didn't want to come. You have to be real. Life is not all up...but thank goodness it's not all down either. There is always a new day." I am going to learn a lot from Jill.

Feeling Droopy

2008-11-08T11:26:00.000-08:00

Stu-Baby

This is Stuart. He belongs to my friend, Jan. He's one of my canine "nephews" and I love him very much. I used to think this was a great picture of him, but he's gotten even bigger and more beautiful. He is quite honestly the cutest Bassett Hound I've ever seen. He's just one of my favorite dogs in the world (Finn's too).

But when I look at this picture, it pretty much embodies how I'm feeling today. Droopy, droopy, droopy. I'm tired and frustrated. I'm at a place of learning, which sometimes is very exciting and sometimes very painful. Today (well, really this whole past week) = learning = painful.

It's one of those things where I know that I am doing what God has asked me to, but it isn't easy. I know that He is proud of me and is right in the middle of everything changing me and growing me to be like Christ. But sometimes it sure is easy to lose perspective isn't it? There are times when He calls us to take a stand that doesn't seem to make sense at the time, but I believe (and this is what my counsel also tells me) that it's during those times He's actually just telling me to get out of the way and let Him do the work He needs to do.

I can't save the world, but I can walk the walk. Father help me to walk the walk and not just talk the talk. Does anyone else feel the need for perspective or need an Aaron to help hold your arms up?

Composed thoughts...NOT

2008-11-03T11:13:00.000-08:00

This was my Halloween costume.

Poor Finn had to be neutered on Halloween.

I dressed up to be his twin, but he didn't feel like pics post surgery.

On Blogging...
I often find myself thinking, "ooo, this would be a good thing to blog about", but then the moment passes and I forget about it, or I convince myself that I have to be able to write a perfectly composed and eloquent blog. So, the blogging doesn't happen. But then I read other people's blogs ("the world according to Jos" and "kaleidoscope" being among my favorites) and my friends have the greatest stories and thoughts, sometimes deep, sometimes just about what's happening in their lives. I LOVE reading them. It makes me feel somehow connected and sometimes even less isolated (if they just happen to write about something that I'm going through too). So, I've decided to try to blog a little more often, just about what's going on in my life.

The Choir...
Yesterday was a really amazing day. The choir I'm in sang for both church services (at the beginning and the end of each service) and then we sang again at a special "Night of Hymns" last night. It was a looooong day, and I wasn't even sure I was going to make it through the entire day. In fact, I had emailed our choir director asking her which part she preferred I participate in since I wasn't sure I could physically handle the whole day. (That's a lot of standing, especially when you add in the rehearsals before each service....not to mention the call time for the early service is at 7:20 a.m.!) But, I asked my facebook friends to pray for me, and I prayed throughout the day for God to bring energy to my back, legs and feet. And guess what? He did. Amazing I know, that God would actually meet my needs. Pfft. Why am I STILL so amazed when He takes such good care of me? Haha. I had energy to spare by the end of the evening last night! Sure, I'm sore today, but what an incredible rush to be able to offer a sacrifice of praise like that to the God of all Creation! And Jill, our choir Director, said something that really hit me last night. She said, "I don't really get it, but the God of the Universe desires our praise." Who are WE that God should care so much about us? Whew. It's too much to really comprehend.

God Stories...
I really love God. Do you? I think about Him so much. I'm so glad that He knows me so well and knows my heart. I love being connected to Him. I love watching Him work in my life and the lives of the people around me. He is soooo personable and meets each of us exactly where we're at...that amazes me too. One of the gals in choir said to me last night, "God writes the best stories, doesn't He?" She was talking about the stories of our lives. I know my story's a pretty good one...not because of me, but because of what's HE's done in me. What's your story? I'm not asking a rhetorical question here...I really want to know your story.

Waiting, Following, and Other Stuff I Want to Do...
God has been convicting me about waiting on Him. I even wrote a blog about it a few weeks ago. I have yet to spend time just sitting and waiting for Him to speak to me. I never realized how difficult it is for me to just sit still and quiet my mind. What a hard time I have being one-minded and focused. I can't even sit and watch TV without being on the computer or my pager at the same time.

Then there's the message that Sheila Walsh delivered at WOF a few weeks ago. I can't get it out of my mind. She said that she prays every morning, "God, I don't know where You are going today, but I'm going with You." I want to do that. I want to put my Jesus shoes on every morning.

I also want to be in Scripture more. I was getting in the habit of spending time in the Word daily and then I got sick and missed a few days and now I'm back at hitting and missing my quiet times.

And lastly, I want to get organized with my journals. I have so many...one for journaling about life, one that's supposed to be for praying, one that is a devotional, another one for quiet time/Scripture reading, one for recapping my WOF experience (it has my WOF story from 2005 too), and one for lists of things to do and information/phone numbers I don't want to lose. That's 6 journals! My backpack is heavy. I envision myself sitting down with each of those journals (all but the list one) and writing in each of them. Guess how much I've written in them in the last 3 weeks? If you said, not at all, you're right. So, I need to get organized about journaling. Maybe I should try using just one a day? Any suggestions?

Thanks...
Thanks for reading my blog. I'd love to hear from you! Until my next rambling...

Amy Grant

2008-10-28T08:00:00.001-07:00

Girls night out...

She's so awesome...

Such an amazing voice...

So personable...

And best of all, she loves God!

So, when I get out of church on Sunday, I see that I have a voice mail from my friend, Marti. We've been friends for 25+ years. We've been through thick and thin together (and I'm not just referring to the shape of our bodies...). She's always been one of those spontaneous people who just decides to do things at the last minute. She's the one who taught me how much fun that can be. Back to the voicemail..."I got tickets for all of us to go to Amy Grant tomorrow...wanna go?" Are you kidding me?!

Then she told me to call our friend Jeni (who hasn't missed an Amy Grant concert in Portland since she was 9 years old...) and ask her if she CAN go (I knew the "wanting" part wasn't going to be an issue). So I called Jeni and in a very serious tone I said, "Hi Jen, it's April. I need to ask a really huge favor. Is there any way at all that you might be able to go to the Amy Grant concert with me tomorrow?" She started crying! She said, "Are you kidding? Don't joke about this!" She had been praying (and had several other people praying) that God would provide a way for her to go.

I enjoyed this concert more than any I've ever attended (not just Amy Grant's, but ANY). The talent on that stage was incredible. The band she's assembled had lots of familiar faces, which was great fun. They performed only songs that were recorded BEFORE 1988, which made for a great trip down memory lane. At the end of the concert she did 3 new and unrecorded songs (they're going into the studio in January to record a new album I think). They were awesome and I can't wait for them to be released.

So, there were 8 of us. All but two I have known for 15+ years, and we all love Amy. We went to Rose's before the concert and had dinner and dessert (of course we had dessert...it's what you DO when you go to Rose's). Then off to the concert. We danced, sang, laughed and bought T-shirts. It was an awesome night.

Bronchitis, Orange Juice and an Itchy Dog...Oh My!

2008-10-23T01:39:00.000-07:00

This has not been the greatest of weeks at the Curtright homestead. I went to bed last Friday night with a little bit of a scratchy throat and literally woke up the next morning feeling like there was an elephant sitting on my chest. Full blown bronchitis, complete with green gubers and fever.

Anyone who knows me knows that my brain tends to "malfunction" when I'm sick. I will sometimes lose time, send weird emails or leave virtually undecodable voice mail messages. People used to think I was having a stroke or something, but as it's become fairly routine over the last couple of years, my friends and family have sort of "gotten used to it". While I don't think it's normal by any means, I've grown to accept it as well because I simply have bigger fish to fry when it comes to my mental health. But I think I finally realized tonight that I've been making matters much worse by my own "age old remedy" to healing myself of colds and bronchitis. I've always flushed and infused my system with vitamin C by downing at least a gallon of orange juice in little more than a day. It used to work wonders. I didn't used to be diabetic. Duh. Orange Juice + Diabetes= Loopy April. I'm fairly certain I've been sending myself into diabetic shock every time I get a cold. I never even thought about it until I was talking to a friend of mine tonight and we were trying to figure out why I lose my mind when I'm sick. I'm seeing a Dr tomorrow, so I'll discuss it with her, but I'm pretty sure I need to just start buying vitamin C tablets and lay off the OJ.

Then there's poor little Finn. He's been really itchy for a while now. I've been trying all the home remedies...oatmeal soap, flaxseed oil, cottage cheeese. None of it is working. Poor little guy tries to scratch his back on everything possible. I feel so bad for him.

So tomorrow (well, really it's later today since it's almost 2 a.m. now) it's off to the Dr for me, the vet for Finn and then counseling to try to get my head screwed on right. It should be such a fun day...NOT. But hopefully we'll get some answers to our issues...would love your prayers!

P.S. I have officially lost it... My knuckles have been really dry and cracking, so after writing this post and before turning in for the night, I thought, "maybe I'll try putting some chapstick on them while I'm sleeping." Makes sense, right? As I began slathering on the chapstick I looked down only to realize I'd grabbed a glue stick and now had glue all over my knuckles. And I wasn't even under the influence of orange juice!

Anxiety and Thankfulness

2008-10-17T11:26:00.000-07:00

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:6,7

One of the speakers at the Women of Faith pre-conference was Jan Silvious. She is often referred to as a female Dr. Phil, except that all of her counsel and teaching comes from her knowledge of God and His Word. Her depth of knowledge and wisdom is evident in her messages.

One of the things she spoke about at WOF really struck me. She started by reading Philippians 4:6,7 (which incidentally I have tattooed on my shoulder…see the above photo...by the way, it's very hard to take a picture of your own tattoo when it's on the back of your shoulder. I have also claimed this passage as some of my life verses). Have you ever wondered why God threw in the “with thanksgiving” part? Well, Jan has a very interesting answer to that question.

Psychologists have been using fear therapy for a while now. Fear therapy is where they take someone who is really afraid of something and they expose them to an intense experience of that fear. For example, if someone is deathly afraid of snakes, they will basically put a snake in the person’s face to expose them to their fear. There are many methods and variations of how they implement fear therapy. However, in recent years they have discovered that once they’ve exposed a patient to their fear, in this case the snake, and then remove the fear and tell the patient to think of things they are thankful for, the fear immediately recedes and the patient returns to a peaceful state of mind. The reason for this is that the brain produces certain chemicals for both the emotions of fear and of thankfulness. Those two chemicals cannot reside in the brain together. So, if someone is afraid, a chemical is released into the brain. Then when they think of things they are thankful for, a different chemical is released and it basically cancels out the fear chemical because the two cannot coexist. It’s physically impossible to be fearful and thankful at the same time!

Isn’t that amazing?! Ok, but here’s an even cooler part…God already told us that long before “science” ever discovered or proved it. Look at Philippians 4:6,7 again:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

For someone like me who has been medically diagnosed with anxiety issues, this is a major thing to grasp. I LOVE this passage of Scripture. In the past when I’ve thought about Philippians 4:6,7, I’ve always just prayed that God would remove my anxiety. But now I know that He’s actually provided a WAY to remove my anxiety…be thankful! Isn’t our God the coolest?!

So THANK YOU for reading my blog...get it? I'm being thankful...

Guess Who Winked At Me This Morning...

2008-10-13T19:11:00.000-07:00

As you may have gathered by now, I went to Women of Faith last weekend (yeah, yeah, I get a little excited and exuberant about these things…). This is one of the coolest things I not only learned about, but also experienced in the first session.

So, my friend Jan and I were in our seats at the Rose Quarter, waiting for the conference to begin on Friday night. I had gone to the “preconference” during the day on Friday and was already pretty fired up and excited for the rest of the weekend. Jan? Well, let’s just say she’d never been to Women of Faith, was totally exhausted and had admitted to me that if she hadn’t already paid for her ticket, she wouldn’t have been going. That was a sure fire sign to me that Satan was on the prowl and that she was in for an AMAZING weekend.

Now, if you’ve never been to Women of Faith, you need to picture something here…we are in a HUGE stadium filled with literally 11,000 women. Just before the music started Jan said to me, “Wow, you’d think in a place with this many people you’d see someone you know.” I agreed but said I hadn’t seen anyone that I knew at all during the day.

Then the music began. People were still getting to their seats…it’s a stadium filled with women after all. Getting that many women to stop chatting is no small feat. Everyone was standing, preparing to sing worship songs. I was just glancing around in amazement at the sight of that many Christian women all in one room when I noticed a woman two rows ahead and directly in front of me. She was turned around looking and talking to someone behind me. As my eyes and brain began to focus on her, I realized that it was a very dear friend of mine, Debbie (see above photo), that I had lost contact with and who I’d been seriously looking for over at least the last three years! You have to picture the look on my face now…I remember the feeling that my eyes were open as wide as they would go and my mouth was literally wide open and I felt sort of paralyzed. I literally could not move or say anything. At first Debbie glanced at me and in that instant I could tell she was thinking, “why is that woman staring at me?” but then the same recognition kicked in for her as it had for me…and she had the exact same look on her face. Neither of us could speak. Then without saying a word, she slowly pointed and I realized she was pointing behind me so I turned around. Seated directly behind me was her sister, Danelle, another dear friend I’d lost contact with! When we finally had the opportunity to speak to one another, we realized that about 19 years have gone by since we “lost” each other.

One of the speakers that night mentioned “God Winks”. She said, “You know those times when you get a totally unexpected surprise that cannot and should not be chalked up to ‘coincidence’? That is God winking at you and letting you know how special you are to Him.” At that point, I reached back and squeezed Danelle’s hand. Out of a room filled with 11,000 women, my two friends, who I’ve been searching for, were literally within 3 feet of me now. THAT was a God Wink.

Oh, and as for Jan, who really didn’t want to be there Friday night? Remember she was tired and dragging before we left for the conference? Well, afterward…at 10:00 p.m. she said, “You want to go get something to eat and chat before we go home?” I spent the night at her house on Friday and guess who was up looong before me, bebopping around and anxious to get going for Saturday’s sessions… As we parted ways on Saturday night, Jan told me that for someone who really didn’t want to go to WOF, she was more glad she went than I could know. I also got a phone call from her today. When I answered the phone I heard, “Guess Who winked at me this morning…”

Follow up to my last entry

2008-10-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

Time to get real...I've been very convicted about my last blog ("One of the Cool People..."). I thought about just deleting it, but if nothing else, it was honest about where I was at emotionally. However, I began to realize that I felt a little bit of a cringe every time I opened my blog. Cringing is not a good thing when my ultimate goal is to glorify God with my writing...

So, while I think that the points I made about keeping myself in check are valid, I really want to retract the judgments I placed on the poor folks I was referring to in my post. They are ordinary people with ordinary lives and are not purposefully or otherwise hurting anyone...including me. It was my own selfishness that was doing the damage.

And on another note, I went to Women of Faith this past weekend. It was amazing as always (well this is only my second time, but I've always heard positive things about it...), but I am still digesting the whopping portion of teaching I received. I plan to blog about it soon, I'm still just sorting it all out. I hope that once I get around to it, that you will be as blessed by what I heard (as I regurgitate it to you) as I was.

One of the Cool People? Guess Not

2008-10-08T16:42:00.000-07:00

"Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them.

Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good."

Romans 12:9 (New Living Translation)

Isn't it funny how we like to think that once we "grow up" all the struggles of childhood will somehow cease to exist? But the truth of the matter is it doesn't. Case in point: wanting just to fit in, and the cold hard truth of cliques.

I've realized in the last few weeks that I really want to fit in. It's not so much just wanting to be one of the "cool people", but actually a desire to connect with people that I think probably have a lot in common with me. I see a group of people that seem to really enjoy one another, that seem to love the same things I love and that have the same sense of humor I do, and I think, "wow, I'd really like to get to know those people and become a part of what they have." Because they are fellow believers, I figure since we share a common bond, and if I am making an effort, they will at least respond to me and make an effort to get to know me as well. Right? Not so much. And truth be known, it stings.

I'm sure people don't even realize what they're doing (at least I really hope it's not a conscious thing...). I'm sure they don't realize that while they are enjoying such a close-knit bond they are alienating other brothers and sisters in Christ. From what I can tell, most of the people I'm observing even desire to minister to others, and yet there's something elitist that comes across as "don't cross this line" when someone makes an effort to get to know them on a deeper level.

So, what does this mean for someone like me who is on the outside looking in (okay, maybe even my face is pressed up against the window)? I'm realizing that it means a few things...

1.) I need to make sure that my attitude toward others is Christ-like
2.) I need to check myself and my responses to people.
3.) I need to stop worrying about what other people think of me.
4.) I need to make sure that I don't think of myself as better than others in any way!
5.) I need to pray for the people in whom I'm noticing this behavior.

So, while it appears that I may not be one of the cool people, and that I'm probably not going to be able to "break into" that inner circle of people, God still has me where I'm at for a reason. I'm growing and learning and finally beginning to get connected...and that's what matters...cool person or not.

Here I Am In All My Glory...

2008-10-06T12:44:00.000-07:00

Ok, maybe not exactly glory, but I decided it would be fun to start a blog. I haven't done much blogging (just a few entries on myspace...but now I'm on facebook, which I like a lot better), but I enjoy reading other people's blogs.

Anyway, normally I can think of lots of things to talk about, but here I sit with a blank page in front of me and I can't think of a single thing I want to say. Hmmm, maybe this blogging thing isn't going to be as easy as I imagined... So, this blog will be filled with random thoughts.

I'm looking forward to going to the Women of Faith conference this weekend. The first and only time I went was in 2005 and it had a major impact on my life. I have a feeling this time will be just as powerful. I'm especially looking forward to hearing Patsy Clairmont speak. She is hysterical and brings home her message with quite the punch. I'm going with one of my oldest friends, Jan (perhaps I should say longest lasting so as not to cast apsersions on her age...). I'm looking forward to the time I'll be spending with her almost as much as the conference itself. I'm sure I will have more to blog about after WOF.

Yesterday in church the speaker (it wasn't our pastor teaching this week) talked about our "higher purpose" and that really, most everything in life is not about us, but about someone else. As Christians, our very existence is not really about ourselves, but about reaching the lost and living a life that brings light into this dark world that we live in...and boy is our world ever dark. I think it's getting darker by the minute. In some ways, it's easy to "accept" that our higher purpose is to bring the Gospel to non-believers, but to really put the "it's not about me" concept into practice in our every day lives seems a little tougher to me. Can you imagine how different life would be if everyone just put other people before themselves always? Ugh. This is not an easy thing to grasp...I tend to want to defend myself and my "rights", sometimes at the expense of someone else's feelings. It's just not ok. So, God is working on me in this regard.

Ok, pretty boring for a first blog. I'll try to make them more interesting in the future...

Waiting

2008-09-29T23:12:00.000-07:00

This is another one I posted recently on Facebook...

So…waiting is NOT my strong suit. I even have anxiety about choosing a check-out line in the store. Then once my decision is made, I stand there being irritated that every other line is moving so much faster than mine. My distaste for waiting is only perpetuated by the “instant gratification” world we live in; fast-food, microwaves, phones that we take everywhere with us (that now even have email on them so we don’t have to WAIT until we are at a computer), the “information highway” where we can get answers to most of our questions immediately, etc, etc. We really don’t have to WAIT for much of anything anymore.

However, WAITING is exactly what God is speaking to me about today. I am currently going through a devotional called, “God Calling”. (It’s a great book written back in the 50’s I think, by two individuals who never gave their names…you should check it out…) Part of today’s entry really struck a chord for me; “When you are quiet before Me I lay My Hand upon each head, and Divine Spirit flows through that healing, powerful Touch into your very beings. WAIT in silence before Me to feel that.”

WAITING and being quiet before God does not come easily to me. Let’s be honest here…I struggle a lot of the time even GETTING to prayer, much less just sitting and being quiet before God. Our pastor said yesterday that we need to love God for WHO He is and not just what he does for us. He also said that if we truly LOVE Christ, we will want to spend time with Him. Ouch. When I only come before God with my laundry list of prayer requests…even though they are requests for the good of others and not just what I want or need…and I never sit quietly in expectation of hearing back from Him, aren’t I just using Him? I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t be very happy if the people in my life who CLAIM they love me only called when they needed something and never gave me a chance to say anything back to them.

So, I am being challenged to WAIT; to be quiet before God and to listen for Him to speak to me. Oh, He speaks to me a lot…but He has to work pretty hard to get through to me…I’m not usually asking Him, “So what’s on Your mind today God? What do You have to say to me, or teach me at this very moment?” As a part of my challenge, I also thought I’d look for the word “wait” in my Bible as it relates to just being quiet and listening for God to speak. I found bunches of them (mostly also in the Old Testament which amuses me since He’s prodding me to learn and read the OT this year…). I’ll send you a list if you’d like, but my favorite is Psalm 5:3; “In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.”

Wait, be quiet and EXPECT to hear from Him. He’s faithful. I have no doubt that He is going to speak to me… Will you wait too?

What is Standing in My Way?

2008-09-22T23:08:00.000-07:00

September 22, 2008

Today has been a day of deep reflection for me. But it didn't really start today. It all started last week when an old friend of mine made an observation about me. She said, "I think that you really want to be a godly woman, but you fight it.” ‘What?! I want to be a godly woman, but I’m not fighting it!’ So, I have been wrestling with that statement for a week now. Then came that moment in the worship service yesterday at church when God began speaking to my spirit and I began arguing with Him…suddenly it occurred to me, ‘oh, maybe this is what she was talking about…’ But doesn’t everyone struggle with stuff like that?

So, I asked her about it again tonight and she said, “No, I mean that I believe God is calling you to be a dynamic woman of God. Someone chosen by Him to really make a difference for Him in the lives of others…and you fight that.”

Wow. So, I began writing this and asking myself the question, “what is standing in my way?” Once I got really honest with myself, the answer to that question began to surface. There is something in my life about which almost EVERY single person in my life has been talking to me about needing to make a change. I’ve been very resistant and have made excuses incessantly; including saying I believed it was what God wanted me to do. But when my dear, wise, amazing Christian friend JonElla suddenly brought it up out of nowhere during a rare phone call tonight, I finally started to pay attention and actually opening my heart to God about it. JonElla NEVER offers advice, but tonight she was really talking seriously to me about this situation in my life.

Yesterday at one point during the sermon, my Pastor asked us to put our hands out, palms open and facing upward. He said, “when we hold the things of our lives in our hands like this, it gives God the freedom to put things in our life and take things out as He pleases.” And it pleases God to do always do what’s best for us so that He will ultimately get the glory for what He is able to accomplish in our lives. Today I realized that in regard to this situation in my life, I’ve been holding onto much like I held a kitten when I was a small child. I “loved” the poor baby kitten so much that I literally squeezed the life out of it. I took the limp, lifeless body of the kitten to my sister and asked her to “make it meow”. I don’t want to do that with the things in my life. It is crucial that I learn to hold my hands up to God, palms open and upward allowing Him full access to whatever He places in there…to leave it, take it away or add to it. The only thing standing in my way, is my insecurity and distrust.

In preparing for the new Bible study I’ve joined, I read Isaiah 7 today. Verse 9b really struck me, “If you do not stand for your faith, you will not stand at all.” So, I’m choosing to stand for my faith. I’m making the choice to try let go of this detrimental thing in my life. God may or may not decide to take it out of my hand, but if He decides to remove it, He won’t have to pry it from my fingers anymore. I think I’m ready.

I’m sure this is just the tip of the ice berg when it comes to what it might really mean to stop “fighting” being a godly woman. But I’m preparing myself to allow Him to work in a mighty way. I’m scared, but also excited to see what He’s going to do when my life is really in His hands. I have a feeling things may get worse before they get better. But no matter what, I know in my heart of hearts that if I stand in my faith, I will stand and that He will be standing right there with me.

Grace

2008-09-07T23:04:00.000-07:00

I actually posted this on Facebook a few weeks ago, but some of my readers aren't on Facebook, so I'm posting it here now for them...

God has been teaching me so much lately, and it really seems to be centered on Grace right now. (You know how He likes to get a theme going...haha)

A couple of weeks ago at church the speaker asked a question I'd never really thought about before. He said, "When people think of you as being a Christian, what does that look like to them? Do they automatically think of all the things you stand against...a list of rules and judgments? What does it really mean to be a Christian? Is it just that we are conservative and judgmental of people whose lives don't match up with ours?"

He went on to talk about how in reality, being a Christian is about living a life of love, acceptance and grace, which is just an outpouring and extension of the love, acceptance and grace Christ has given to us.

That's what I want people to think of when they think of me as being a Christian...that the expression of my Christianity is grace, not judgment. I'm still digesting this, and want to do more writing about it. But it's sort of a paradigm shift for me...which has been happening a lot since I read The Shack. Haha. I guess in so many ways, the conservative judgmental thing has been a large part of my identity as a Christian, and I just really want that to change. NOT that I am changing my moral values at all...

Romans 6:1-4 "What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life."

...but I want people to know and experience of love of Christ. And it is only because of my (our) love of Jesus that I try to live by the standards God has set for us as believers. It's not just a bunch of rules that He put in place to ruin all our fun... The standards He set for us are because He loves us and knows what's best for us. He's protecting us from the consequences of sin.

However we do have a certain responsibility to encourage each other to grow in our faith and love of the Father...

Hebrews 10:23, 24 "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds."

...So, I think it is a fine line to tow between holding up what we know to be Truth regarding sin and how God wants us to live and exemplify the GRACE of Christ. Jesus was the Perfect example...

John 1:14 "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth."

I'm going to stop here because I feel the urge to begin rambling and I don't want to lose the point of this...Grace came through Christ (John 1:17), and that's what I want people to see in my life and experience from my relationship with them